Hmm…what is being one year postpartum really like you ask? Well, as I’m writing this post, I’m on my second cup of coffee, my eyelids are drooping, and I’m not wearing any pants. I’ve been up since 5am and I’m tired. Like, not your average, “haven’t been getting enough sleep the past few days and work has been busy,” tired. I mean “haven’t slept through the night in a year or washed my hair in nine days, can’t remember the last time I ate, showered, or had an hour alone” level of tired (***side note: if this is you and you’re still in your fourth trimester, then check out this post). But you know what? I’ve also never been happier.

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That “mom life” though.

Becoming a mom is weird. Like, one second you’re the toast of the town, going out with friends and living your best life. And the next, toys are all over the floor, you haven’t seen your friends in weeks (lets be real, months), and you’re pretty sure there’s poop on your shirt. Don’t worry mama, I’m right here with ya (and yes, that is definitely poop).

The first thing I can tell you about being one year postpartum? I no longer give a sh*t. I will go pick up my Jimmy John’s in my high water cat pajamas.

I. Just. Don’t. Care.

And it’s not that I don’t care about my appearance (or my personal hygiene LOL). It’s just that I care less about what others think of me, of those small little superficial judgments people make. There’s something freeing about it too. It’s like you hear it, acknowledge it, and let it drift on by and keep living your best life.

Let’s talk about internal judgments though. Oooh that little voice inside your head that likes to sneak up behind you while you’re checking your stretch marks out in the mirror…she’s a little bish, ain’t she??

The things we tell ourselves when we’re in a vulnerable state, like being postpartum, can really tear us down. This has been the biggest struggle for me throughout the past year as a new mom. I tend to compare myself not to others, but to myself. How I look now versus how I looked before getting pregnant. How much energy I had to do all the things then, versus how much of a struggle it is to just get off the couch some days now. You could say being kind, gracious, and forgiving to myself doesn’t happen much these days.

Being a mom is scary.

There’s also this new fear I’ve experienced since becoming a mom. I fear that something will happen to Ayla. I know, morbid right? Like, WTF is wrong with me?

But I can’t help it! She is literally the best thing in my life and losing her would mean losing everything. I try not to live in a constant state of worry but dang, it’s hard!

I also fear failure. Up until recently, I’d never been self conscious of how I was doing in life. I’m pretty confident in myself, and I’ve always felt that way with my performance at work and just the way I choose to live my life. Now that I’m one year postpartum, I can definitely say I doubt myself sometimes.

I worry that I suck at my job. I worry that I’m making the wrong decision for Ayla by giving her formula over breast milk. Should I spend all my money on daycare, or should I make no money and be poor at home with my daughter? It’s hard not to doubt every decision you make.

There are good things too, I promise!

Despite all the hardships, fears, and worries, being a mom is the BEST thing. Nothing compares to the feeling of watching your kid learn and grow. Just today, Ayla was crawling around and she saw her stuffed unicorn on the floor, and she crawled right up to it and gave it a kiss on the nose. #I’mNotCryingYou’reCrying

It was literally the cutest freaking thing I’ve ever seen.

It’s funny cause people like to give unsolicited advice on how you should raise your kids, right? Like, don’t rock them to sleep, they’ll get used to it! But OMG rocking Ayla is one of the things I look forward to most out of my day! She loves to sit on my lap basically straddling me and put her head on my chest and just snuggle and rock. I think it must be comforting to her to hear my heartbeat and just be close. And I mean, I freaking love the snuggles so no complaints here ha ha.

It’s moments like that, the ones where you are just present in a calm and sweet moment with her, that makes all the hard times bearable. Any tough moment is so worth it just to have those few moments of cuddle time with her, or to have the kisses she’s starting to give us. There is no feeling in the world that compares to the feeling of love between a mother and child. <3

So, what is being one year postpartum really like?

It’s tough. It’s full of doubt, and fear, and insecurity, and the most intense love.

Being one year postpartum is literally everything. It is feeling every emotion, to the extreme.

No, my body isn’t back to the way it was before pregnancy. Yes, I now have grey hair and a few more wrinkles.

I don’t sleep enough or drink as much water as I should or eat healthy all the time.

I definitely consume too much coffee.

And I am happy. I get to kiss this stinky face every day and cuddle with her at night and hear her say “mama” when she wants my attention and be goofy with her and make her laugh.

Being one year postpartum, being a mom, is so worth it.

xo,

B

Tags: mom life, Postpartum