Wow you guys, not only did we make it through 2019, we made it through a another decade! Who else still thinks of the 90’s when someone says “10 years ago”? Nah girl, the 90’s were over 20 years ago! #mindblown 2019 was by far the hardest year I’ve ever lived through. I had to navigate becoming a mother, then a working mother. Then, how to fit a relationship, a social life, time to workout and time for me in there too! Figuring out how to balance it all was tough, and I definitely struggled A LOT. All that I’ve experienced through the past year, and really the past decade, has shaped who I am today, and I can actually say I’m excited and hopeful for this new year and chapter! Let’s take a look back at all that’s happened and where it’s leading me into 2020 (and be sure to read to the end for a special surprise!).
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Becoming a mother
I never realized there’s more to becoming a mom than having and raising a baby (read my first post on motherhood here!). It’s much more emotional and personal than that. The beginning of motherhood was basically just survival mode. It was trying not to run into door frames or fall asleep at the wheel, and keeping a baby alive. Then, when I started getting the hang of it, the challenges of motherhood became less about the physical, and more internal. It turned into an identity crisis for me. Who was I, now that I was a mom? Was I still allowed to want to go out with my friends? How was I going to spend an hour at the gym without feeling extreme guilt? Guilt that I would miss a moment with Ayla, or that E would have to watch her.
But that’s how the I felt from about month four to twelve of postpartum. Extreme guilt for thinking about anything other than my daughter. It took some really low nights and a lot of self-reflection for me to realize this mindset was not sustainable. I was never going to be able to set healthy boundaries, or care for myself if I didn’t let go a little bit.
One thing that has really helped is reading more.
I used to read ALL the time. But when I became a mom, I just wanted to veg out and watch TV in my spare time. When I made the switch to reading 50 pages a day, I saw a significant improvement in my mood. I started feeling like I was doing something for myself. I was working towards improvement in some way and that felt really good. Finding the balance between who I am and who I am as a mother is still a work in progress for me (hell, maybe I’ll never fully conquer it), but doing small things like reading or making time to workout has helped me to see the importance of working towards it.
Life as a working mom
It’s really unfair how we make mother’s go back to work after only twelve weeks after having a baby. At twelve weeks postpartum, I was sleeping four hours at a time at night. My body was still confused from the change in hormones, and I hadn’t figured out what the new norm looked like for our family yet. But here I was, heading back to a very stressful, 40+ hr/week job. I was supposed to figure out how to work, while breastfeeding and taking care of an infant, and it was HARD. This was by far my biggest struggle, and it’s definitely one of the reasons why 2019 was the hardest year of my life.
I struggled a lot with the mom guilt. I had to leave my baby to go to work, when our society says mom’s should be at home with their kids. It was hard not to internalize that guilt and at times, I let it consume me. It’s gotten a bit easier as Ayla’s gotten older, but it’s still hard at times. Something I’m really trying to work towards in 2020 is not letting this outside pressure drive how I feel about myself. I recently read this book by Mark Manson called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” and it’s changed my outlook so much. I care a lot about other people, it’s just who I am. This book really helped to put that into perspective. I’d highly recommend reading it, it’s a great book to start 2020!
Relationships, self-care, and learning to say “No”
The other reason why 2019 was the hardest year of my life, is quite personal. I don’t know if I’m ready to share quite yet, but I’ll just say this. When I became a parent, and then a working parent, I struggled with balance. Not just with work, or motherhood, but in my relationships (with others and myself). I realized over the course of the year that I needed to take a look at myself, a real long, hard look, because I realized I tend to shut people out. My way of dealing with stress and anxiety is to become quiet and withdrawn. I like to deal with it internally, I don’t like seeking help to deal with internal struggles from outside sources. I’ve always figured, “it’s not their problem, it’s mine.” And this way of thinking has put strain on my relationships, and realizing it really sucked.
It sucked because it’s so much easier to just put your head down and barrel through life at full speed. But it’s much harder to slow down and look at what you might be doing wrong. No one wants to admit they f*cked up, or they need to change. But the reality is, we’re human. We make mistakes. 2019 was the hardest year of my life because I had to do a lot of self-reflecting. I had to acknowledge what I do wrong and come to terms with it. 2020 will be the year that I work on me and try to do better. I truly believe the relationship I have with myself, my family, my SO, and my friends is riding on it.
What’s next?
So, I promised you guys a surprise 🙂 I’ve always been grateful and in amazement of the fact that thousands of people choose to follow my life on social media, but I realized I SUCK at showing it. So this year I’ve put together a giveaway that will run monthly on my Instagram, with prizes every month worth between $300-$500!
All you have to do to enter is be following me on Instagram (here), and like and comment on every photo I post from the first day of the month, to the last. You can also get extra entries by saving and/or sharing my posts and sending me a screenshot via Instagram DM! It’s super easy, and basically just a way for me to say “Thank You” to each and every one of you who makes what I do worth it 🙂
In the spirit of gratefulness, THANK YOU for reading my first post of 2020! I hope you’re going into this new year and decade with an open heart. Please leave me a comment with four words that described your 2019, or four words to describe what you’re looking forward to in the year ahead!
xo,
B
So proud of you for sharing this babe. It’s hard when you see a “flaw” in yourself and realize how much it’s affecting your life. I discovered one of my own recently that has me focusing on self awareness, self love and frankly, thinking about reception more than intention before I speak. But like you said, ultimately we want to be our best, most complete and most loving selves and we can’t do that if we stay where we are or don’t hold ourselves accountable. 2019 for me was disappointment, fear, excitement and acceptance. 2020 I want to practice and cultivate opportunity, worthiness, romantic love and abundance. With everything we’ve painfully and gainfully learned in 2019, at least we have knowledge on our side.
It’s so hard, but completely necessary. For me it was easy to see but harder to accept. Now that I have, I’m eager to work on myself. Love your words for 2020 <3
All moms have guilt. I’ve always felt pressure as a stay at home mom that I should be working outside the home. It’s rather unusual to be a stay at home mom where I live. I don’t really know very many other moms who don’t work. I faced an identity crisis for sure, giving up my profession, but over time you find your way. Like you’ve found, you have to make time for yourself, prioritize time for yourself. Reinvent yourself for this new phase of your life. I became a small business owner (making baby gifts to sell locally and on Etsy) and I recently started blogging. Finding time for me and doing things to evolve myself have made me happy in this phase of my life.
This is so encouraging to read, thank you for sharing Crystal! I feel that whatever choices mother’s make, someone somewhere is going to judge. And you’re right, we all feel guilt no matter the choices we make.
What a wonderful and very real post on being a mom. It is so hard! I don’t think we moms get enough kudos on how hard it really is. I really like the idea of reading 50 pages a day, I may try that myself.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment Audrey!
2019 for me was sometimes filled with fear and anxiety. Thinking of how I was going to cope with a newborn and another child under 2 was overwhelming. But I chose to take one step at a time and stay happy because my kids need a present and happy mom. I am so excited about what 2020 has to offer. Thanks for sharing
Wow, props for making it through with 2 under 2!
Being a mom can be very overwhelming, I think at one point in our lives we have all faced challenges or guilt. Its important to find time for ourselves and find a way past these hard times. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment <3
Missing you and your lovely energy. Thanks for sharing parts of yourself here. I feel lucky you’re so open here because its honestly the best way I know how you’re doing xoxo. I admire your strength and self awareness. Adapting to a new identity is f***ing exhausting and a challenge to navigate. Proud of you for making it through 2019 and I’m excited to see where life continues to take to and how you transform in 2020.
Oh and my words for 2019 are: excitement, saddness/loss, commitment & growth.
Words for 2020 are: expansion, connectedness, transparency & peace.
Hope to hear from you soon đź–¤
Love your 2020 words my dear and thank you for always supporting and standing with me with strength and love <3